Authentic Happiness: The Master Key to Success

Robert Mack from the USA speaking at the Emotional Intelligence Online Summit in 2020 for People Builders and the Emotional Intelligence Academy.

Robert is an Ivy-League-Educated Positive Psychology Expert, Celebrity Happiness Coach, Published Author, and TV Host/Producer. He is a regular guest expert on Good Morning America, The Today Show, Access Hollywood, E! Network, and OWN. In his presentation, Robert bares his soul with a powerful story from his own life that is told with passion and humility.

02:28 - The big question we all need to know the answer to

06:48 - How to use Positive Psychology to experience authentic success through happiness

13:02 - How happiness leads to authentic success in all areas of your life

18:50 - The attractiveness of happiness

29:54 - What happiness is not

33:20 - Every case of unhappiness is a case of mistaken identity

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Now that you understand the neuroscience of happiness, perhaps it's time for you to start your own journey of self-awareness and to develop your Emotional Intelligence. If you are ready to feel authentic happiness and feel empowered, join Grant Herbert in the Emotional Intelligence Online Bootcamp.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

The big question we all need to know the answer to

I don't know what anybody else's childhood was like, but I know there was one question that I had when I was in my childhood years and it is also my question for you today: why are you here in this planet?

That was a difficult question that I grappled with as early as seven or eight years of age. I would drive my mom nuts with that question. I was probably the unhappiest, most deeply to score kid I'd ever known and it started at a very young age. I always thought I'd grow out of that unhappiness. I thought, if I do well enough academically, I do well enough athletically, If I would have a girlfriend and I'll make good money, I will grow out of that unhappiness. But that did not happen - at least not right away. Instead, that unhappiness grew into dysphoria. Dysphoria grew into learned helplessness and that slipped slowly but surely, into an experience of deep depression and suicidal ideation.

Despite doing really well- I was salutatorian in my high school class, but being extraordinarily anxious and stressed out in self-loathing - I did not get happier as things got better in my life; I only became less and less happy. So, I eventually got to a point where I was so deeply depressed and hated myself so much that I began to contemplate. More than that, I began to research ways to kill myself. The one thing about being depressed and unhappy is that you're in so much pain that even when it comes to ending your life, you still want to avoid as much pain as possible. So, I went online, I looked for the least painful way I could find to kill myself.

As I began doing some research, I decided that I was going to slash my wrist. After giving it some thought, I went to the kitchen and I just picked up the first steak knife I could find. I began to dig that steak knife into my wrist. And I still have the suicide test marks on my wrist. I wanted so badly to be over with the pain, that I was willing to not just contemplate, not just research, but to actually take my own life.

Interestingly and unpredictably, something very strange happened in that moment; that I began to dig this knife into my wrist, and that is that for no good reason, without any real change in my external life circumstances or conditions, I felt a level of peace and well-being, an indescribable bliss, even limitless love that at that particular moment, I decided that I would postpone my suicide.

Here's the funny thing about it: despite me trying so hard to achieve, accomplish, or acquire things that I thought would lead to an experience of happiness and peace and self-love (sports like basketball, football, cross country baseball, academics, through friends -- which I didn't have a whole lot of), I never ever felt it until I had this suicidal moment. So, as I decided to postpone the suicide, honestly, I didn't commit to more than an hour and I know now looking back 20 years later, I think an hour is nothing an hour disclosed by. But at that time, it felt like forever and quite frankly, I wasn't even committed to the entire hour. But in that hour, I began doing some research and that hour led into several hours, which bled into several days. And now again, two decades later, I barely recognize that young man who was seriously suicidal and so deeply unhappy; and I don't think that young man would recognize me.

How to use Positive Psychology to experience authentic success through happiness

Today I'm going to share just a little bit of what I've gleaned - both from my own personal experience and also from the world of Positive Psychology. Positive Psychology is the study and science of what makes life worth living. It's also, in a way, a study in science of how to experience increasingly effortless success and authentic success through happiness.

In this article, I am going to start off with this idea .

The one thing I’ve discovered in asking myself the question: What is your life for? When you really think about that question, you just sit with it for a second, it's such an important question. I think very rarely are we invited into a conversation even with ourselves around that question. But the one thing that I feel very certain about these days is that my life is for happiness. So, no matter what it is I'm trying to achieve, accomplish or acquire in my life, at the end of the day, the main reason that I want it is because I want or expect to feel happier as a result of having achieved, accomplished, or acquired it. And I would argue, that's true for all of us. You might not call it happiness. You might call it success. You might call it wealth, health, contentment, fulfillment. There are lots of words we can use for it. But at the end of the day, we're wanting a lasting, meaningful and abiding experience of what I simply call happiness.

The first point that I wanted to drive home to all of us today is that happiness is the greatest success because it's what all success strives for. It's the highest wisdom, because it's what all wisdom ultimately aims at. It's the highest health because health is what we really, mostly, and deeply desire. So, at any time in your life, when you're trying to achieve, accomplish, and acquire something, you mostly want it because at the end of the day, you're hoping to feel better as a result of it.

So, that's the first point: happiness is the greatest success.

More than that, happiness isn't only the greatest success; it also leads to success.

I always want to dive in there right away. But first, I want to disabuse us of some of these ideas that I think we're pretty clear about (science helps to flesh it out) which is the idea that success by and large does not lead to happiness. We know this because all of the traditional measures of success generally don't make people lastingly and meaningfully better off. So, the first thing most of us think is of course money; and we all are pretty clear about that. I think that for the most part, if you're making above a level of subsistence (here in the United States means about $75,000, additional dollars don't mean a whole lot. So, you get less and less bang for your buck with each additional dollar over about $75,000.) We call that to the diminishing marginal utility of the dollar and at some point you plateau. So by and large, if you're not able to pay your basic necessities (you don't have a roof over your head, you don't have clean water) money matters a great deal. But, once you hit that point, does it matter a whole? Well, we've let money go as a sort of hope and guarantee that it will allow us to experience the kind of happiness that we're after.

What about health? Most of us think: “Well, certainly we're all happier and I felt much better, and feel like I have a much better shot at being happy if I'm healthy. And that is understandable and true to some extent. But health, believe it or not is not highly correlated with happiness. That being said, while objective health, isn't highly correlated with being healthy or happy, subjective health is. So, your perception of your health is highly correlated with happiness.

What else does not lead to happiness?

I think most of us would assume, loving relationships would. Although, there is some evidence that loving relationships can give us happiness, if we go further than that, and think that getting married and having kids will lead us to happiness, I'll give you a couple of reasons why it may not be the end all be all.

I think most of you are aware of this, but when you get married and are still at the few months of the honeymoon phase, you may get a bump in your happiness level but, it’s not statistically significant. It also does not last for critically long and before long, you’re actually returning to you baseline level of happiness. So again, marriage generally doesn't lead to lasting, meaningful and abiding happiness. The happiest relationships often kiss this up to two independently, happy people.

What about kids? All of us love our kids and most of us wouldn't trade our kids in for the world. We would die for our kids. We would live for our kids. And interestingly enough, kids are a little bit of a mixed bag when it comes to happiness. The first kid actually causes a dip in your happiness score. Parents, I'm so sorry to share that with you, but it causes a dip in your happiness score. And the second kid on average, causes a statistically significant dip in your happiness level and your happiness doesn't return to its baseline level until your kids leave the house. It is mind blowing when you think about that. But any of us with kids are crystal clear about that. It's not that we don't love our kids. It's not that they're not incredible sources of joy. I mean, we call them bundles of joy, right? But ultimately our kids come with a lot of stress and a lot of worry and a lot of responsibilities and they're expensive; and that's a testament to how much we value them. But that stress, that anxiety, that worry and those responsibilities can weigh very heavily on you and in some ways, compromise your happiness.

So not kids, not health, not wealth, not marriage. By and large, these things don't matter.

What about getting older? What we do know that as you get older, you actually tend to get happier (believe it or not). You experience fewer highs and fewer lows and generally continue to tread upward. So, ageing actually works in the reverse way that most of us think about it. Most of us think that the older a person gets, the grumpier they will be; but that’s just simply not the case. So, most folks get older because they're somewhat more emotionally regulated as they get older.

How happiness leads to authentic success in all areas of your life

So, happiness is not a byproduct of health, wealth, marriage, kids and not even age. Success does not lead to happiness but happiness does lead to increasingly authentic and effortless success.

What do you mean by that?

This means that at the end of the day, happiness improves your life outcomes, your circumstance and your conditions in practically, all in every way. Let me provide you with some evidence.

In terms of wealth, we do know that folks who are already happy even without all the money, tend to attract the money more easily, more quickly, more efficiently, effectively, and more efficaciously. Happy people make about an average of $600,000 to $700,000 more, over the course of their entire lifetime than unhappy people.

We also know that happy people live longer. Some studies suggest that happier people tend to live 6-7 years longer. In one study, it was also suggested that happy people lived 11 years longer. This is because happy people experience better health and experience less job burnout.

More than that, if you care about love, you’ll definitely want to care about happiness because happy people tend to get married earlier, stay married longer and are happier in all their relationships, whether they're married or not.

We know, of course, it's not about marriage- it's about love and it's about happiness.

At the end of the day, if you care about health, wealth, job performance, marriage, if you care about any of these things, you’re definitely going to want to prioritize happiness. Because in some ways, it's this cleaner, more efficient and effective fuel that leads us to increasingly effortless and authentic success in all areas of our life.

So, happiness isn't only the greatest success; It also leads to success to traditional forms of success.

There’s a formula that scientists put together – it's somehow a happiness formula of sorts. As much as we try to attest to the opposite of this, most of us live our lives in ways that actually would seem to suggest that we're mostly seeking happiness through middlemen, middle women, middle things. We're routing it through success. We're routing it through life outcomes, life circumstances and conditions. And that is the long scenic route to happiness. Instead of doing that, you want to go directly to the source for your happiness. So, scientists put together this formula:

Happiness= C+S+B

C is what we mostly think about when we think about living the good life. We just want to live that good life. By that good life, you can imagine having as much money as you can possibly imagine. Having the perfect health and the perfect body. Imagine looking just the way you want to look. Imagine having the perfect friend, the perfect relationship, the perfect kids, or no kids, whatever you prefer. Imagine all of that. All of that together only accounts for about 10% of how happy you are. I don't know about you guys, but if I go to Nordstrom or I go some of the retail store and I get 10% off of something, it doesn't really change my life. I may like it or I may appreciate it, but I certainly won't spend my life trying to get 10% off consistently. I won’t spend most of my time, energy and resources on just trying to get this 10%.

Instead, I will focus on the other 90%.

Now, 50% of happiness is genetic. We come born with genetic predisposition for happiness. Some of us are born a little happier than the less happy. The interesting thing about genetic disposition or predisposition is that it's perfectly malleable, plastic and changeable. So unlike height or eye color, it's something you can do a whole lot about. So, that 50% changeable, controllable plastic. The 40%, on the other hand, is voluntary stuff. So, these are the traditional things you think about when you think about the world of Positive Psychology - the self-help stuff - about gratitude and counting your blessings, relationships matter a great deal, taking care of your health, exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep and all of those voluntary things, fall into this 40% bucket.

I targeted 90% bucket.

And so, at the end of the day, the one thing I've discovered through happiness and through my experience with both my clients and my own life, is:

1st Happiness is the Greatest Success.

And there’s no question about it.

2nd Happiness increases success in your life. And you get to do it in the painless (or less painful) way.

3rd The things, that you think lead to happiness generally don't.

And these other things, these voluntary things, do.

I want to offer one more caveat before we dive a little more deeply into the tips, tricks and tools for living your happiest life possible. And That is this idea that happiness is selfish. Growing up, I really struggled with this. I thought that being happy was an extremely or extraordinarily selfish pursuit and endeavor. And, I have found to see the error of my ways. Based on lots of empirical data, we know that the happiest people are the most loving, generous, and charitable people on the planet. That interestingly enough, happy people donate more money, more blood and more time. Happy people are kinder, more altruistic and they’re less selfish. That being said, there's this positive feedback. This means that when you also take any of those actions; when you're donating energy and you get outside of yourself sometimes and do things for other people, that also increases your happiness. So, there's this incredible positive, upward spiral when it comes to happiness and it comes to generosity or being loving.

So, the way I put that is this: happy people are the best lovers (there’s no question about it) because they're the most loving. Likewise, the most loving people, the greatest lovers, are also the happiest.

So, we need to keep that in mind.

The Attractiveness of Happiness

Another piece of data that I want to share with you folks is:

“Happiness is Attractive.”

Literally and figuratively.

Figuratively, we’ve seen the ways in which happiness is attractive. It attracts greater success, better health, better relationships and all the good things (in short, it leads to a better quality of life). And there have also been tons of studies that have shown that happy people are rated as physically more attractive. Now hear that right, because often what the way we hear it is: “if I can just become more attractive, I'll be happier.”

But it actually doesn't work that way. If you can get happy without necessarily being as attractive as you think you are, people will see you, perceive you and experience you as much more attractive. So, they show people a picture of you when you're not particularly happy and then they show people a picture of you when you've got an authentic “Duchenne smile”; and boom! Most people will just find you attractive- more attractive.

So, I want to summarize what I said there:

At the end of the day, your happiness is your gift to the world. It's not something that is a selfish endeavor that only benefits you. I would argue that your happiness is really not just something that's bestowed upon or given to you. It's something that you are almost obligated to share with the world. So, when you hold onto your happiness and you enjoy it for yourself for its own sake, we call it happiness.

So, when it's ingoing, I call it happiness. When it's outgoing, you are like this rain cloud; you fill yourself up with so much love, peace and joy, you can’t contain it anymore. You have to rain down on all the living creatures on the planet all that peace, love and joy that you have in an indiscriminate fashion, without an expectation of reciprocity. You simply just want to unburden yourself to relieve yourself.

That's what I call love.

So, happiness and love may look like two separate energies or two different phenomena, but it actually is one energy appearing in two different ways. When it's focused on you, we call it happiness. When it's an unburdening and a relieving of the happiness, because you have so much of it and you just can't help but share it with other people and you do it contagiously in an infectious fashion, then we can call it love. But it doesn't come with this quid pro quo sort of fashion.

I want to share a short story to illustrate that point. Then, I'll dive into a couple of quick tips and tricks around how to become happier with the least amount of time, energy and effort humanly possible so that you can experience the most success humanly possible.

I did a morning show for three years in LA right before the pandemic. It was focused on positivity and inspiration. We have celebrities, athletes and everyday people come on there. I love doing this show, it was so much fun. And every day after the show, we had to take care of our own wardrobe. So, I would go to the mall or whatever next door. One day, walking back, I have just gone into a store and bought something, there was this guy who was probably in his mid-fifties. He said,

“Hey, man, you got a second? I just want to say something to you really quick.”

And I'm like, “yeah, I kinda have a second for you.”

And he says, “ “Oh, I just want to really express some appreciation. I love what you're wearing, man. I just love this look. Where'd you get this look from?”

I replied: “man, that's so nice. I’m grateful for you sharing such kind words with me. I got it here and there.”

And he said “What do you do? Why are you dressed always in a blazer? I’ve seen you a couple of times before.”

And I said, “I do this morning show”

“Oh yeah, that sounds really fun. You seem like a happy guy.” ”He replied.

I said, “I wasn't all that always that way, brother. It wasn't always that way…”

So, while I was having this conversation with this guy; while I was sharing my story of how I was deeply unhappy and suicidal for so long, there was this young man, probably about 22-23 years old, who seemed very interested in my story. I’ve seen him out of the corner of my eye. He's with this older gentleman. And I suddenly felt the energy shift and all of a sudden, he was crying and there were just lots of tears. I felt so concerned because I thought I must have said something that insulted or offended him.

So, the first thing I said was:

“Oh, my goodness, are you okay? Did I say something to hurt your feelings or to upset you?”

Barely catching his breath and barely collecting himself, the young man replied:

“Today, was the day I was going to kill myself. Today”

As I was looking at this kid, I couldn't help but get emotional. Because not so long ago, I was that kid. I, however, didn't have the courage nor the transparency, nor the insight or awareness, to share what I was feeling in the way that this kid had.

Then the kid said: “You know, this is like a sign for me not to kill myself. I'm not going to do it. Now I know.”

And I was thinking “my goodness gracious, how unbelievably serendipitous is this.”

And I say that to all of you today that no matter what you're feeling, no matter what you're going through, no matter what the challenges are in your life, first of all, there have been people and there are people that have dedicated their entire lives, blood, sweat, and tears to solve for the one problem you're solving for trying to solve for. And they would love nothing more than to support you in getting through it and getting through it as quickly and as effectively and as humanly possible. So, that's the first thing.

The second thing is this: your happiness is your gift to the world and you don't know the ways in which it affects and has a ripple effect on the entire world. It is more contagious than anything on the entire planet including this virus and any other viruses. It is because happiness is an emotion. And emotions are very contagious. We can catch an emotion through a text message, through a post, through a comment, through a glance and even through a thought. So, understand and appreciate this point: this happiness thing is not only good because it feels good, but it’s also good for you and helps you do good in the world. It also helps other people feel good and in turn helps them do good in the world as well.

So, if you want the cheat code or a master key to diving right in and getting as happy as humanly possible, I encourage you, don't wait, don't procrastinate, and don't postpone; I’m going to share a couple of quick tips and tricks to that end. I would be describing these tips into something that is immediately actionable and practical. I also would probably use a different language than maybe we would in traditional psych class. Essentially at the beginning of your happiness journey, it's all about happiness in what you do. So, there's a lot of focus on that and, it deserves a lot of focus.

Therefore, one of the things you could do right now is to create for yourself a happiness islands list.

So, what is a Happiness Islands List?

Well it’s a list of the people, places, things and activities that with very little time and effort, allow you to feel uplifted, excited, inspired, and just happy to be alive.

So, creating a Happiness Islands List. That’s the first piece.

What Happiness is not

Now the other place we need to get to, particularly in our happiness journey, is to keep in mind that happiness isn’t just what you do, it is who you spend time with. And that is just as true as anything I could possibly say today. What you'll want to do there is you want to get crystal clear about who does and who doesn't add or contribute to your happiness in some way. They don't necessarily have to be happy themselves, but they certainly have to want you to be happy. You want to do everything you possibly can to put yourself in the company of people who are happy or at least aspiring to be happy or purchase up in the company of people who you can help be happier- but there has to be a common ground there; so, that's the second piece.

I would argue however, that happiness isn't, in the end, just for mostly what you do, and it's certainly not what or who you spend your time with only; but happiness is also what you think.

We talk about positive psychology, research, and science.

We talk about optimism, resilience, grit and growth mindset.

We talk about gratitude and savouring.

But, at the end of the day, all these things are all about happy thoughts.

So, the way I describe it in a very simple fashion is, you want to begin telling a better feeling story about everything and everybody in your life based in truth into it becomes a habit.

You want to be religious about that.

You want to be vigilant about that.

It's got to be based in truth though - and that's critical. A lot of us want to make this a snow job. It can't be a snow job.

So, let me give you a perfect example of telling a better feeling story that is based on truth:

In the beginning of my happiness path and journey, I would simply start conversations with what my favorite part about the experience was. It could be the worst experience, but if I were to converse about it with somebody else, I would always want to meet them where they are and say, “gosh, I will say that the best part of that entire experience is this…”

So, these are little pivots. You're sort of focused on what your favorite part is. Another example is, telling a better feeling story based on the truth – like looking at both ends of a stick. And you’re willing to do this such as this:

There was this point in my life, not long after I had published a book, where I was sleeping on a yoga mat in a gym and had less than $0 in my account. Yes, I had less than $0 in my account because I had all that student load debt. I had a master's degree, so I was perfectly employable.

And I remember simply saying to myself,“Rob, you're either going to live this happiness thing or you're not.”

And it's amazing when anything is life and death, particularly happiness, you get really good at it really quickly.

One of the things I began doing right away is saying, “I can either talk about and torture myself with the idea that I had $0, which is true, or I can only go up from here, or I'm wealthy, in all kinds of ways which dollars cannot measure (which was perfectly true).” So, that's the sort of third part about it.

The most important thing I probably would like to say in this entire conversation today is:

Happiness isn't just about what you do. Happiness isn’t just about who you spend time with. It isn’t about what you think. It also is not new. Happiness, is in fact, what you are (now, this is where I'm going to take a bit of a detour from where traditional positive psychology will offer evidence.)

But at the end of the day, I have found, without question, that I am at my most blissful when my mind is cool, composed and quiet.

When I experienced that suicidal moment and I dug the knife into my wrists, I experienced that indescribable bliss, joy, love and that overall subjective well-being despite the external circumstances and conditions; and I'm change.

What was the difference there?

The difference there was that for once in my entire life, my mind was perfectly quiet. I was present in a way that I had never been present before. There were no problems in my mind.

There was no future.

There was no past.

There were no concerns.

There was no plotting, no planning, and no scripting.

There were none of that. There were no desires. There were no fears.

There was simply quiet.

And in that silence, in that stillness, was perfect serenity.

So, one of the most transformative tools I've ever discovered through that young 21 years of my life, is what I simply call a micro-meditation. You've probably heard of it before. I'm going to describe it a little bit differently because when I was going through my happiness journey, I read every book on the planet. I was reading a book a day, not because I thought it was cool or I was super studious, but because I was desperate.

I read every book, tracked everything and kept what worked and got rid of what didn’t.

So, in that experience, as I'm tracking things, I overtime practiced all these things I just mentioned, I found something called micro-meditation.

A micro-meditation is simply one breath that you take as frequently as humanly possible throughout the day with no other goal than to simply enjoy that breath. You take it from the stomach and you let all your thoughts go.

The first meditation course I ever took was torture. I thought I was going to have a panic attack. This was simply because I couldn’t do it. It felt so anxiety-provoking for me and I found that an hour was too long. Thirty minutes was too long. Five minutes was too long. When in one breath anybody can just do it.

I promise, if you do this one thing, if you breathe in the stomach, you're going to induce your relaxation response, which will slow and reduce the amount of cortisol and adrenaline that's blowing through your body. So, believe it or not, you will be losing weight and you will sleep better. That way you will feel less stressed and anxious. And the lesser you are stressed and anxious, the more access you have to psychological capital, emotional capital and resources; meaning you're more creative, more efficient, and more effective as a thinker and as a performer. It also allows you to get in a flow state more consistently. That's how you become up with Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant and you score 60 or 81 points. But the idea is that micro-meditation helps.

At the deepest level, I sometimes just simply call it, practicing the presence because you wanted to go beyond the body and you wanted to go beyond a focus on the breath and you want to be able to dial into the peaceful liveliness that's inside your body.

Every case of unhappiness is a case of mistaken identity

Now, here's where I'm going to wrap it off; every case of unhappiness is a case of mistaken identity and there are no exceptions to that rule. What this means is that if and when I am identified with anything external to me; a life condition or circumstance that I know, that we all know, is a femoral; we're screwed.

If we want lasting and meaningful happiness, but we pin it to things that are always changing or evolving, there is no way to be happy. If I identify myself or I pinned my happiness to anything that comes and goes, I'm in trouble.

There's something within you, that never comes and goes. It does not stay nor does not leave nor does it visit. It's always you and yours; I simply call it life.

That same life intelligence.

So, you think about this just for a second: the earth hangs on nothing.

We all sit on this rock and this rock sits in midair in the sky and it's been doing it forever.

Just think about that for a second.

We're all on top of there. We're laying down, we're standing, we're walking, we're talking.

This rock is spinning on its axis and it's spinning fast and it’s also revolving around this super-hot star that we call sun. It's just far enough away from the sun to not have us freeze and not just close enough to not have us burn up.

That life intelligence (whatever you want to call it, I simply call it life. You can call it God or source or spirit), is the same intelligence that keeps your heart beating, your lungs breathing, and it allows your brain to orchestrate it all. Whatever that life intelligence is, it is not something that comes and goes; it's something that has been with you your entire life.

When you take a micro-meditation, remember the point of micro-meditation is to enjoy it; not to get good at it. If you try to get good at it, you won't get good at it. The way to get good at it is to not try to get good at it but instead, to enjoy it.

As you practice this micro-meditation, at some point, you can take it deeper and simply fill in to the peaceful liveness in your own body. That is what I call practicing the presence. Presence for me is the master key to happiness, and happiness is the master key to success. Thank you.